When I called Austin Homebrew, they agreed that my yeast was most likely bad. They are sending another batch. Originally I had Wyeast London ESB #1968. They said they have had some problems with the Wyeast yeasts lately so they are sending White Labs English Ale #002, an identical yeast strain from a different company. He also suggested that I find a local dry yeast and pitch that ASAP. I didn't think I could find any closer than Orlando. One of my coworkers overheard my conversation and it turns out that he is an active member of our local home brew club. He told me of a place not too far away that sells brewers yeast!
I ended up driving up to Cocoa Beach to the hippie organic food store, SunSeed Coop, which also sells a limited amount brewing supplies. I went there after work and ended up buying Fermentis Safale S-04 English Ale yeast. I pitched it when I got home and had fermentation within hours! Most websites say to rehydrate dry yeast before use but this package said to just toss it in dry. It worked beautifully. I cranked the temperature on the fermented down to 62 due to this yeast's lower temperature range.
I have that liquid yeast vial coming in a few days still. I'm tempted to make the same recipe, with the same accidentally high hops, using the liquid yeast to see if I can taste a difference.